After seeing patients today I became one myself—it was time for my annual physical. While I know a lot about medicine and I feel confident monitoring minor ailments in myself, I’m not my own doctor. In fact, my doc has frequently given me advice that directly contradicts what I would have done for myself (and he’s usually right).

Anyway, I was sitting in the waiting room when they called a man back to be seen. He detoured to the clerk in the front—she’s a loud, kind, funny young woman wearing a peach headscarf—and said loudly, “Why is this stuff in other languages?!? Why is this in Arabic too?”

She patiently answered, “I guess it’s to help people feel more comfortable?”

“Well, tell whoever is responsible to stop it! English only!”

I felt my face turn red and my skin start to burn. I don’t often get angry, or at least not enraged, but I felt it building, and had to actively restrain myself from saying something. It’s only been a week since a heinous, hate-fueled attack at my synagogue and I’m even more sensitive than usual to people spewing ignorance and hate.

But I did restrain myself—for better or worse. This wasn’t my office, my space, and I didn’t trust myself to maintain enough self-control to say something productive, not after the week we’ve had.

But now I’m going to write about it. While yelling at the man and losing my temper in front of a couple of people would not have been that productive, writing for a larger audience may have more impact.

Apparently, some people feel disrespected if you attempt to show respect to everyone. But respect isn’t a zero-sum game. It’s not like there’s a bucket of kindness out there that can get used up. It’s also about safety. In Southeast Michigan English, Arabic, and Spanish are all important languages, and if you’re able to provide important documents in some or all of them, you make things safer for patients. You are also telling them that you respect them and that they can open up to you.

Not all businesses are able to do this, but when they do, it’s great. And it doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s not like the English says, “please wear a mask if you’re coughing” and the Arabic says, “there’s free coffee and donuts in the back”.

Our office demographic forms ask people about their preferred pronouns, gender, etc. Within a week of launching these updated forms, it payed off—patients told me they felt seen, felt safe, felt this was an office they could trust, or at least begin to trust. And I get it when someone feels uncomfortable with new ideas and makes off-color jokes about it. If they have a good heart, they’ll catch on eventually. But when they say, “my pronouns are ‘fuck’ and ‘you’,” I’m not real confident.

But you know what? If they’ve come to my office for care, they will get treated with the same respect as someone who doesn’t speak English, or who doesn’t conform to someone else’s ideas of gender identity. In medicine we are supposed to treat everyone, and to respect everyone’s basic human dignity.

If the man at the office today had been anywhere else, I might have said something. But he was seeking medical care, and I exercised the principle of charity—the idea that perhaps his behavior wasn’t motivated not by hate but by fear, ignorance, or anxiety. As a human being he deserves respect, and I shouldn’t act in a way that might drive him away from getting medical care. On the other hand, what if his behavior scared someone else in the waiting room and my standing up to him made them feel less frightened?

Being a decent human being isn’t always simple. The right action isn’t always obvious. All I ask of myself and others is to show other people basic respect, especially when they are at their most vulnerable. Going to see the doctor isn’t easy, especially if you don’t know the language, or if you think you will be judged.

So when you come to a doctor’s office and you’re asked about your religion, or your preferred language, or your gender identity, either answer it or don’t, but don’t make a fuss. Don’t make others feel they don’t matter. Either way, we’ll treat you with respect. As a bonus, you may find that kindness to others increases your respect for yourself.